My imagined self
There is a darkness here. An emptiness.
An exposure to raw reality that bites. Hurts.
The question that has been answered has left me in silence.
Stunned.
As I improve in my practice of being present I lead my future self further down the executioners long hallway. With every step I feel the cold of honesty that lives in the present. This is who I am. This. Now.
The realization stings. Like a paper cut there is far more pain and hurt than the wound displays. Why do I experience so much sadness and anguish here? From where does this sorrow arise? It is the impending death of my “best imagined self”. The criminal who has stolen much from me and manipulated my world for decades is making his final walk. I should be celebrating, shouting "free-at-last!" should I not? But I am afraid. Vulnerable. Unprotected. While the mastermind who leveraged me with deceit may have filled my mind with the belief of who I would be one day, who I should be one day, it was not without some benefit. I was able to hide from reality in the belief that “one day” I’d be better, “one day” these flaws I held would change, that “one day” my behaviors without virtue would no longer hold me hostage. The iron belief that they would change is the shackle that binds me to the behavior. Silencing the manipulative whispers of my future self opens the irons from my legs and now I am faced with the choice of stepping out or staying enslaved of my own volition. It is my choice. I am afraid and I do not yet move. I was protected from self honesty by the lies of my future self. If I choose to step out of these irons and escort my imagined best self the final steps down this lethal hallway, I am sentencing my present self to see me as I am. Not as I could be, not as I desire to be, not as I will become, but as I am. There is safety in this bondage. There is protection in this manipulative relationship. And it is my choice to end it, or allow it to remain. Justice would say termination is in the best interest of all but I am not as sure. What holds me back is the paradox within this choice - what of my character CAN be changed and perhaps can only be changed by seeing my behaviors as they really are now, and what of my character will not…? What of me is flawed beyond repair that if I no longer cover with the empty promise of betterment will be grotesque and foul to my unclouded eyes? And this is when I notice there are two chairs in the executioner's room. Both are at the ready. One claims the prisoner who has been condemned for his crimes of robbing me from present, cheating me from self-knowledge. The other is open and quietly welcoming. Without coercion or recalcitrance I too sit down. For now that I can see myself as I really am, I can let go of the idea of self. I can close my newly opened eyes to my old way of being with this world and allow the needle to enter my arm. For in being free from the lies of who I am supposed to be, I can now see who I am, and more importantly lay that to rest. My ego has served its purpose. It has brought me to the end of the hallway. And from here I can now be with the world.
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Author
Andrew Bennett
I am a thinker, a writer, and a creative. Discovering who we are, the True Self, requires a willingness to remove the camouflage we have constructed and reveal our most basic unadorned person. No longer seeing only what we wish to see, we can begin to become the whole. My hope is by sharing from my own journey, I may be an encouragement to you on yours.
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